My Spoofy Review of the Bollywood Movie "Dostana"

Movie Name : Dostbanana

Cast : Preanchor Choppedup, Yawn Abdomenham, Abhidekh Bachpana, Boremanki Granny, Kidrun Khairiyat, Slobby D’Owl, special appearance and disappearance by Shipshape Shetty, and a foreign dance troupe whose average age looked like around 47 years

Directed by : Kartoon Joharharhardeehar’s ass-istant, Turbulent Manshakeitupni

Slurry… er… story : Now the next time someone tells me, “Mujh se dosti karo-g*y”, I’m going to make sure he gets to walk right back into his closet!

What the heck…! Whatever happened to the bollwood formula of boy meets girl, sings songs around tree, audience feels giddy just by seeing boy-girl, villain, item-girl, camera-man, producer, director, stunt-man, body-double, everyone running round and round said tree?! Whatever happened to said tree?! And the theme of this moo-whee was girl meets g*ys… talk about tree-somes!

What the heck…! Whatever happened to all those script-writers of yore, or yore script writers (ok, ok, yu don’t have to be so possessive about yore script writers), or those lyricists of yore, or yore lyricists… ok… ok… yu know what I mean… where hath all the meaningful dialogue gone, the emotion, the sentiment… oh, I know… I know… it never existed!

Anyway, let’s get on with it… the moo-whee begins with scantily glad… er… clad Shipshape Shetty swinging to a brain-numbing beat, lip-synching in tamil while the lyrics were in malyalam, and my expertease in both those languages detected so many spelling mistakes, but never mind, when Shipshape Shetty swings, yu want to ask, “Mujhse dance karo-g*y!”… whatever happened to those dubbing artists of yore, or yore dubbing artists… I know… I know…

And then the camera starts moving lovingly over the toned body, gently caressing every muscle, every curve, every sinew of the scantily glad… er clad body… no.. no… yu perverts, I am talking about Yawn Abdomenham’s body! Yes, yes yu other perverts I am talking about Yawn Abdomenham’s body!

Anyway, let’s cut to the chase… So here yu have Carnal played by scantily glad… er clad Yawn Abdomenham, a fashion photogroper, meeting bossom buddy… or is it bum chum … Somekheer, a wet nurse, played by fully clad Abhidekh Bachpana… actually he played a nurse, but wet nurse sounded more weird, so… hanh… so these two g*ys… er guys… they’re straight… meet everywhere in Miami by bollywood coinidence… of the 365417 cabs in Miami, they land up catching the same cab, of the 11359858 apartments in Miami, they land up renting the same apartment, of the 12251749 people living in Miami, they fall in love with the same girl… Mama Miami! This can only happen in bollywood… That’s how bollywood mathematical probabilities work, na!

And from here on the moo-whee meanders thru the byelanes of gaiety, with no finesse whatsoever, the g*y jokes, the g*y parodies… is this a comedy… is this comedy… notice what a difference the “a” made to those 2 questions?! Mon Dieu! And to rekindle the past, yu have snippets of Kartoon Joharharhardeehar’s previously made movies like “Kuch Kuch Chhota Hai” and “Kabhi Al-Jazeera Na Dekhna”… What an intelligent script…

Oops! I forgot to mention the gorgeous Neighhaw, played by scantily glad and clad Preanchor Choppedup, eye candy, some talent, great looks, pathetic script, poor Neighhaw, caught between two hunks she thinks are just two normal g*ys, what confusion, what chaos, no… no… not in her mind… in the story line, in the aimlessness and loss of direction… where did the moo-whee go after the interval…!? Why do most bollywood movies self-destruct after intervals?!

Poor Neighhaw, working with a gladrag called “Nerve”, wanting to climb the ladder of success, wanting so desparately to become chief editor of “Nerve”, tells her g*y boss Muesli, called M for short and played by talented Boremanki Granny, “Iss magazine mein sub editing main hee karti hoon, mujhe promotion doh-g*y?” And her boss, the g*y M for short, Muesli for long, promptly makes her sub-editor… what Nerve, na? Talk about ed aches!

And, how would a bollywood moo-whee be complete without a hysterical mummy… and what hysteria when mummy, played by a very hysterical Kidrun Khairiyat, discovers that her laadla beta is… is… is… G*Y… oh my… oh my.. what brain-numbing hysteria… where is yore script-writer?! Where is yore story-line… where is my sanity?!

And… so… the moo-whee finally comes closer to an end, but not close enuff, not quickly enuff… we still need a straight love angle na… ha! Enter Abhimanyuck, played by Slobby D’Owl, the one straight g*y… er… guy yu will get to see in the moo-whee… but don’t forget that the other two g*ys are straight guys too, but now yu all are so confused that yu may think that the other two guys are g*y but no those g*ys aren’t guys... er… those guys aren’t g*y… see… I told yu yu’d be confused!

And every time I thought the moo-whee was about to end, there was one more twist in the tail… er… tale… and it went on and on like this till I found myself longing for one more interval, but alas and alack, the Gods of Intervals had abandoned me… what a tear-jerker that turned out to be!

So, before yu ask me, should yu be watching the movie…? Of course yu should… I mean just cause I am weird, there is no reason for yu to be weird too… go for it… at least yu’ll get a free return trip to Miami!

Ok, now they can take me back to where they had released me from a little earlier!

Grating… er… Rating…: 5 siestas… that is what I needed to recover!

My Review of the Movie 'Flashin'

Cast : Preanchor Choppedup, Muggedup Godsend, ErBraaz, Conkedgana Runout, Kitchykoo Giddy-n-whiny, Crass Bubbler, et al (who the heck is Al?!)

Note: This movie is for adolts only and parental guidance is necessary… yes… anyone over 12 years of age will have to give guidance to their parentals thru’ this one.

Starry… er… story : Now here’s a movie that brings out the glam, glitz and bling of the murky world of flashin’. Where the people who matter walk with a swagger in their hips, pouts on their lips, mascara on their lids and rouge on their cheeks… and I’m referring to the male designers here!

Are all flashin’ designers g*y?! Going by the story in this movie, EVERYONE who is not a female is g*y!

So here we have small-town-girl-wanting-to-make-it-big, Megnut Maarthook (played like a role model with a model role by Preanchor) who wants to escape small town Chandigrrr, and her mummy-daddy (played with huge cheeks by Keerunt Droopingjaw, and with huge brown wig by Crass Bubbler) add to the confusion cos mummy is supportive but daddy is a crud.

Anyway, ambitious Megnut lands up in big bad Mumbai and winds up meeting perthpiring… er… athpiring dethigner Rohit No-Baal (played baldly with thekthy lithphth by Athwin Muthran… why doeth thith guy lithph tho muth?!) who takes an immediate liking to Megnut and wants to help her make it in the big bad world of flashin’. So he introduces her to that little hockey player from Chak De, that feisty little thing, remember her, and here she is playing yet another feisty little model coordinator, trying to get many aspiring models to act properly, speechify properly, I only wish that she had tried to get the scipt-writer to scriptify properly!

At this puncture… er… juncture…, enter super-model and show-stopper Stonedali who’s versatile vocabulary consists mainly of the following words screeched out, cos this is one model who strongly believes in the freedom of screech, “Yu are a b***ard!”

So most dialogues with her go something like this…and remember to screech this out for her:
Model coordinator : “Hi Stonedali, good morning, nice day innit?”
Stonedali : “Yu are a b***ard!”
Fellow, or Fellee, model : “Hi Stonedali, yu were great on the ramp this evening!”
Stonedali : “Yu are a b***ard!”
Cruel, vicious boyfriend ; “ Hey Stonedali, (and yu aint gonna believe THIS!!) please drink this finger-bowl lime water in which I have just washed my hands, to prove that yu love me!”
Stonedali : “Yu are a b***ard!”
Abhicreep, played with a grin by ErBraaz in the first half of the movie, and a scowl in the second half : “ Hi Stonedali, yu are no longer the brand ambassador for my product, Pancake”
Stonedali : “Yu are a b***ard!”
Glitterfatty : “Hi Stonedali, are yr parents married?!”
Stonedali : “I am a b***ard?!”

But alas and alack, this show-stopper finally stops her own show by overdosing on heroin, or was it botox, and we in the audience can feel ourselves overdosing on heroines!

And then we get to meet another designer, Rohit BahutBaal (this g*y… er guy was not bald) and another g*y guy called Rahtool Adoda (aren’t all designers called Rohit?!) who is a big shot designer and by now we are thoroughly confused about who is a designer, who is a g*y designer, who is a guy designer and what designs did the director Madhoot Bhandarbhar have on us when he designed this movie!

And of course yu get to meet Rahtool’s mummy, and that poor lady is just dying for her son to get married but wot to do, Rahtool is still trapped in his closet… so one day he meets another femme model, Janitor, and proposes to her… and she accepts his marriage proposal even tho she knows that Rahtool and his bf will live haplessly ever after… so thoughtful na?

So, was this movie any different from the other movies being churned out by the bollywood assembly-line… well, yaah and naah…

Yaah…, cos it had a few scene stealers, what with all the wardrobe malfunctions, garment malfunctions, closet malfunctions (which was the reason that poor Rahtool could not walk out of his closet), Preanchor and Conkedgana were quite adept while walking the ramp, yu got to see some known names in the current real-life world of Mumbai flashin’, there were no flash-backs, a fair amount of flash-fronts, and thankfully, NO SONGS… can yu believe that!?

Naah…, cos there was the usual dose of histrionics, screeches, lapses in script, inane fillers, a flimsy and weak romantic interlude, a messy affair, and a fair amount of cellulite (watch Kitchykoo Giddy-n-whiny in a mini... why?!?!)

But, all in all, the ups and downs in Megnut’s modeling career graph are scripted fairly craftily, and the movie ends with a very very successful Megnut becoming an international super-model… yu will never guess where… in G*Y Paree!

Rating : Someone please gimme a 5 star for watching and reviewing this movie!

Ok…Ok… before yu guys ask me how the movie really was, let me tell yu that the movie is going to do fairly well, so if yu are adolts (over the physical age of 18 and mental age of 12) and your parentals need guidance, go for it... enjoy it... with g*y abandon!

My Review of the movie..."HELLNo"

Cast : Shyman Juicy, Sohell Cant (act), Drool Partnag, Ishall Koppicat, Armpita A-dodo, Salamander Cant (act either), Katatonic Kaif, Shredded Sexyna, Da-lip Tightheel

Story : Ok, so here's the Sorry... er... story... the movie is loosely based on the book by Cheatin Braggart who loosely graduated from the IITs (Indian Institute of Tellin stories) and loosely wrote the book titled, "One night that was offcenter" or was it "One night with the gall bladder"...? but never mind... the movie opens with that guy with the 6-specks... whatsisname... oh ya... Salamander Cant, who starts singing a song barechested and yu wonder how Cheatin Braggart incorporated the music, lyrics, dance troupe et al (who's Al?!) in his book?!

Well, anyway after the song ends and he is waiting to get off on his chopper... or was he waitin to chop it off on his getter..., confusing... but anyway, along comes Katatonic Kaif loosely dressed in some kind of dress, all made up and lookin good and starts tellin this 6-specks about 6 employees in an off-center... and the story, mind yu, is supposed to be about only one rainy night in their lives,,, mind yu, one rainy night only, but yu know how bollywood maths works... one rainy night means at least 37 flashbacks for each of the 6 employees which could go back at least 4 years in each case... so kitna rainy nights hua?!

So, ok, yu have an awkward Shyman Juicy who has the hots for Drool Partnag, Sohell Cant (act), who has the hots for that Koppicat chick, and Shredded Sexyna playing some elderly dumbo called Military Uncle, who has the hots for his grandson... talk about weird!!

So hey... what's the big deal... the sorry...er story takes yu through their lives (made me think "Thank God this offcenter has only 6 employees, imagine what would have happened if there were 5000 employees like in a normal Offcenter, before the financial crash, that is... Cheating Braggart would have loosely called his loosely written book "One thousand and elevinty-eleven nights that were offcenter"), and here i am tryin to cut a short story long...

But methinks we digress... ok... first there is Prebonka (played with cute dimples by Drool Partnag) who has a mom who breakdances a hare-krishna jig at the drop of a hat and wants her dotter to marry some NRI (non-resident idiot) based in the US of A (where else) and this nri is so enamoured with Prebonka that when she ditches him for Shyman Juicy that guy goes off and threatens to marry her photograph... say what?!

Next is Echcha (played in v short skirt by Ishall Koppicat) who is just dying to be a model and is willing to do anything to "make it"... yeah and I mean "anything" yu perverts! But her ambitions come to naught when she gets ditched by her Oddfather who throws her, literally, on the streets! What a rainy night this has been!

And finally yu have Reddycar (played with puffy cheeks by Armpita A-dodo in salwar kameez) who is haunted by an evil ma-in-law, just like in one of those sauce-bahu serials, which thank god i have never watched, who has been undergoing severe depression because she probably realised that firstly she cant act and secondly she has some inane dialogues for her part thruout the movie.

And to top it all, i.e. to keep up the pretense that this is supposed to be an offcenter, yu have silly scenes where our 6 employees are speaking to some stupid americans in their stupid amrikan accents, and the conversation goes something like this... (and please remember to read this in a stupid american accent, ok?) :

(a) Stupid american on call with Prebonka, "Hi there, I seem to be stuck in my vacuum cleaner, can yu help me?"
Prebonka : " Sure sir, just try switching off the power!"

(b) Stupid american on call with Echcha, "Hi there, my ear seems to be stuck in my cellfone, can yu help me?"
Echcha : " Sure sir, just try switching off the power!"

(c) Stupid american on call with Reddycar, "Hi there, can i wash my underclothes in the dishwasher?"
Reddycar : " Surely not maam, but yu could try washing the dishes in yr clotheswasher!" My God don't these americans undystand anything?!

(d) Stupid american on call with Shyman, "Hi there, my husband has a problem"
Shyman "Try the dishwasher"

(e) Stupid american on call with Military Uncle, "Hi there, what kind of stupid name is 'Military Uncle?!'
Military Uncle : 'Hehehe... I know where yr grandson lives!'

(f) Stupid american on call with Sohell Cant (act), "Hi there, I seem to have a problem with my clothes washer... she refuses to wash my clothes!'
Sohell : "Mebbe yu should get out of yr clothes first sir!"

And the above was the INTELLIGENT dialogue in the movie!

So... where were we... oh ya... so that ONE night, the 6 of them go to a bar and get a little high and have a horrendous accident... and suddenly get a call on their cell fone from... yu'll never guess... God Himself!

And God tells them as follows: Hark my children these are my ten commandments:
(i) Thou shalt act
(ii) Thou shalt learn HOW to Act
(iii) Thou shalt have pity on the poor audiences
(iv) Thou shalt be able to distinguish intelligent from dumb
(v) Thou shalt stop mistaking the masses for asses
(vi) Thou shalt realise that only six-specks and low-necks dont a good movie maketh... tho if yu show those I have no probs
(vii) Thou hath broken the firtht thikth commandmenth in thith movie itthelf
(viii) Thou shalt recognise the difference between acting and OVER-acting
(ix) Thou shalt recognise the difference between good dialogue and blah
(x) Thou shalt recognise a good book when yu see one

And so finally this one long rainy night which lasted for over 4 years what with flashbacks and all, comes to an end and everyone lives happilly ever after....

Rating : One proton

Ok...Ok... before yu ask me how the movie REALLY was... let me tell yu... i SAT thru it and that means SOMETHING... actually it wasn't AS BAD AS i expected it to be, so many of yu wd probably like the movie... so even if it sounds like i am knocking it, go give it a looksee...

If yu want to know why i gave it a ONE Proton rating, its cos i felt it did not deserve any more protons! What yu'll do?!

Review of the bollywood movie... Kidnappy

Cast : Stunjay Dirt, Dimran Corn, Vidya Malady, Manyeccha Lambda

Ok... so here's the story... this little kid from an orphanage "steals" a car belonging to a rich businessman to take a friend of his to a hospital...

his friend just fell down from a ladder and ankle bleeds with ketchup! So the rich bman has him sent to a remand home where the kid is naturally ill treated...

so the kid grows up and so does the bman (horizontally), his daughter (vertically and horizontally), but not his wife... she looks the same over a period of 20 yrs or so ...

and this kid kidnaps the bman's daughter... and takes her for a swim in the sea, under a waterfall, where she sings a song which goes... "glub... glub..." cos the camera was photographing her from under the water... while her dad plays cat and mouse games with this kid who is all groan up who kidnapped the dotter!

so finally after much hoohah, the fat father finally gets the dotter and apologises to the kid who did the kidnapping... apologises to da wife for giving her a tough time thruout da movie... apologises to his dotter for whatever... then everyone apologises to each other for the bad acting, ridiculous dialogues, pathetic settings and an over-the top story!

and then the kid napper apologises to the bman for kid-nappying the dotter... apologises to the dotter for doing the kid-nappying... and thru all this madness i wonder what crime have i committed that i am sitting and watching this so-called movie, and when are the producer, director, actors going to apologise to me for this mishmash!? But thank God for happy endings... the movie ended and i was happy!

Rating : 2500 stars... thats the approx number of stars i saw till i went brain-dead somewhere in the first quarter of the movie.