My Spoofy Review of the Bollywood Movie "Dostana"

Movie Name : Dostbanana

Cast : Preanchor Choppedup, Yawn Abdomenham, Abhidekh Bachpana, Boremanki Granny, Kidrun Khairiyat, Slobby D’Owl, special appearance and disappearance by Shipshape Shetty, and a foreign dance troupe whose average age looked like around 47 years

Directed by : Kartoon Joharharhardeehar’s ass-istant, Turbulent Manshakeitupni

Slurry… er… story : Now the next time someone tells me, “Mujh se dosti karo-g*y”, I’m going to make sure he gets to walk right back into his closet!

What the heck…! Whatever happened to the bollwood formula of boy meets girl, sings songs around tree, audience feels giddy just by seeing boy-girl, villain, item-girl, camera-man, producer, director, stunt-man, body-double, everyone running round and round said tree?! Whatever happened to said tree?! And the theme of this moo-whee was girl meets g*ys… talk about tree-somes!

What the heck…! Whatever happened to all those script-writers of yore, or yore script writers (ok, ok, yu don’t have to be so possessive about yore script writers), or those lyricists of yore, or yore lyricists… ok… ok… yu know what I mean… where hath all the meaningful dialogue gone, the emotion, the sentiment… oh, I know… I know… it never existed!

Anyway, let’s get on with it… the moo-whee begins with scantily glad… er… clad Shipshape Shetty swinging to a brain-numbing beat, lip-synching in tamil while the lyrics were in malyalam, and my expertease in both those languages detected so many spelling mistakes, but never mind, when Shipshape Shetty swings, yu want to ask, “Mujhse dance karo-g*y!”… whatever happened to those dubbing artists of yore, or yore dubbing artists… I know… I know…

And then the camera starts moving lovingly over the toned body, gently caressing every muscle, every curve, every sinew of the scantily glad… er clad body… no.. no… yu perverts, I am talking about Yawn Abdomenham’s body! Yes, yes yu other perverts I am talking about Yawn Abdomenham’s body!

Anyway, let’s cut to the chase… So here yu have Carnal played by scantily glad… er clad Yawn Abdomenham, a fashion photogroper, meeting bossom buddy… or is it bum chum … Somekheer, a wet nurse, played by fully clad Abhidekh Bachpana… actually he played a nurse, but wet nurse sounded more weird, so… hanh… so these two g*ys… er guys… they’re straight… meet everywhere in Miami by bollywood coinidence… of the 365417 cabs in Miami, they land up catching the same cab, of the 11359858 apartments in Miami, they land up renting the same apartment, of the 12251749 people living in Miami, they fall in love with the same girl… Mama Miami! This can only happen in bollywood… That’s how bollywood mathematical probabilities work, na!

And from here on the moo-whee meanders thru the byelanes of gaiety, with no finesse whatsoever, the g*y jokes, the g*y parodies… is this a comedy… is this comedy… notice what a difference the “a” made to those 2 questions?! Mon Dieu! And to rekindle the past, yu have snippets of Kartoon Joharharhardeehar’s previously made movies like “Kuch Kuch Chhota Hai” and “Kabhi Al-Jazeera Na Dekhna”… What an intelligent script…

Oops! I forgot to mention the gorgeous Neighhaw, played by scantily glad and clad Preanchor Choppedup, eye candy, some talent, great looks, pathetic script, poor Neighhaw, caught between two hunks she thinks are just two normal g*ys, what confusion, what chaos, no… no… not in her mind… in the story line, in the aimlessness and loss of direction… where did the moo-whee go after the interval…!? Why do most bollywood movies self-destruct after intervals?!

Poor Neighhaw, working with a gladrag called “Nerve”, wanting to climb the ladder of success, wanting so desparately to become chief editor of “Nerve”, tells her g*y boss Muesli, called M for short and played by talented Boremanki Granny, “Iss magazine mein sub editing main hee karti hoon, mujhe promotion doh-g*y?” And her boss, the g*y M for short, Muesli for long, promptly makes her sub-editor… what Nerve, na? Talk about ed aches!

And, how would a bollywood moo-whee be complete without a hysterical mummy… and what hysteria when mummy, played by a very hysterical Kidrun Khairiyat, discovers that her laadla beta is… is… is… G*Y… oh my… oh my.. what brain-numbing hysteria… where is yore script-writer?! Where is yore story-line… where is my sanity?!

And… so… the moo-whee finally comes closer to an end, but not close enuff, not quickly enuff… we still need a straight love angle na… ha! Enter Abhimanyuck, played by Slobby D’Owl, the one straight g*y… er… guy yu will get to see in the moo-whee… but don’t forget that the other two g*ys are straight guys too, but now yu all are so confused that yu may think that the other two guys are g*y but no those g*ys aren’t guys... er… those guys aren’t g*y… see… I told yu yu’d be confused!

And every time I thought the moo-whee was about to end, there was one more twist in the tail… er… tale… and it went on and on like this till I found myself longing for one more interval, but alas and alack, the Gods of Intervals had abandoned me… what a tear-jerker that turned out to be!

So, before yu ask me, should yu be watching the movie…? Of course yu should… I mean just cause I am weird, there is no reason for yu to be weird too… go for it… at least yu’ll get a free return trip to Miami!

Ok, now they can take me back to where they had released me from a little earlier!

Grating… er… Rating…: 5 siestas… that is what I needed to recover!