Spoofy Review of the Bollywood movie : Raavan

Movie Name : Baaah-one

Cast : Abhidekh Bachpana, Yikeswarrior Crai, Weakdumb, Duhvinda, et al (wdh is Al??!!)

Director : Money Rottenh’m

Music and Lyrics : A.R. Rehenedoman, Gulsore

Script and dialogue-writer : Absent

Story : OK, now calling this a story is like adding insult to injury… as it is, this is one more moowhee which insults your intelligence so badly that your head will be reeling from start to finish! And to think that my readers have an average IQ of approx 27, I found that the moowhee had not even risen to that level!

So, what’s the story? I was told that it was inspired by the epic Ramayana! The only resemblance the moowhee had with the epic was that it kept going on and on till one felt that banwaas cannot be equated with bakwaas…

But, hey… let’s be fair to the players in this epic, er… pic… poor Abhidhek was a total misfit in the role of a tribal outlaw… Yikeswarrior was a scream throughout… Weakdumb’s role was just that… weak ‘n dumb… and Duhvinda made a total monkey out of himself by trying to ape Lord Hanuman… tsk, tsk, Rottenh’m… yeh kya kiya?

Action, anyone… yes, there was some action, most of it picturised so amateurishly, and just so that yu realized there was something exciting supposed to be happening on screen, Rehenedoman’s orchestra would suddenly start beating the bass drums, and blowing trumpets and trombones with such gusto that yu were left looking for action and excitement, and all yu got was Rehenedoman’s orchestra beating the bass drums, and blowing trumpets and trombones with such gusto!

Edge-of-the-seat moments…? Yes, yes, I had about seven of them… yes… seven times I found myself at the edge of the seat with such excitement… mainly because each time I thought the moowhee was about to end, but then, life should be so easy…..

Dialogues, anyone? Hanh… yes… dialogues (and you have to be warned… the following dialogues are being SCREAMED and HISSED by the protagonists so remember to SCREAM and HISS them) :

Like this one between Abhidekh and Yikeswarrior :
Abhidekh : AAAAARghhhh!
Yikeswarrior : EEEEEeeegh!

Or this one between Weakdumb and Abhidekh :
Weakdumb : BEEEEERA!
Abhidhek : CHIK, CHIK, CHIK, CHIK!

And this one between Abhi and Yikes :
Abhi : CHIK, CHIK, CHIK, CHIK!
Yikes : Kya bolta hai CHIK, CHIK, CHIK, CHIK! You mean hot CHIK, hot CHIK, hot CHIK, hot CHIK!

Or this total pearl of a dialogue between Yikes and a cop who has been buried neck-deep in rock and mud and slime for so long that he is obviously brain dead (or maybe he was brain dead because they made him watch the preview of this moowhee) :
Yikes to the brain dead cop : EEEEeeeaaaagh! Yeh kya hua? Tum theek tho ho?
Brain dead cop to Yikes : Say, what??!!

So now, you might wanna know… was there NOTHING in the pic worth writing home about… huh… nothing… no, no, no, even tho’ I would love to say that there was really nothing, I have to admit that the photography was superlative in parts, truly brilliant. But if you want to watch this one, don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Rating : Epic fail

Spoofy Review of : Raajnutty

Caste : Nana Pottykar, Runtbeer Kapoop, Katatonik Waif, Ajay Gravedmb, Manhuge Bargeparty, Arjun Drownpool, et al (wdh is AL?!?!)

Story : Ok, so here’s a political potty-boiler, classified as an “intelligent” moowhee by some moowhee critics, and since the average IQ of my readers is approx 27, I shall not involve you with the convoluted plot, mainly because I myself didn’t understand what was really going on.

Here is what I think happened… beta Runtbeer returns from foreign to his native city and is immediately accosted by love-lorn Katatonik, but poor beta loves Sharin, his gf from foreign, and Katatonik doesn’t like sharin’, but poor beta is now an unwitting character in political pottyboiler, what with continuous blood-shed and mayhem going on all over the place, so he convinces Katatonik to get married to his bro (played by Arjun Drownpool) who is keen to become cheap minister of the state in which he is native. Say, what??!!

Anyway, Katatonik spends nights in her bedroom whereas her hubby (played by Arjun Drownpool) who is the bro of Runtbeer, whom Katatonik doesn’t love cos she loves Runtbeer, not the bro, er… where was I… hanh… she sleeps in her bedroom while her hubby sleeps on the sofa cos hubby knows that Katatonik doesn’t love him (Drownpool) but she loves Runtbeer who is the bro of Drownpool. I told yu this was going to get convoluted!

So, while people were getting killed, cars were blowing up, the plot was thickening, and I was looking out for some “intelligent” dialogue, I came across a real gem… here’s Manhuge Bargeparty, in all his glory, hands akimbo (in fact nearly throughout the moowhee his hands were akimbo), making a speech in one of the numerous election rallies sprinkled helter skelter, here’s Manhuge, saying, and this one’s a real gem, “Jo log aasman mein thookte hain, jaante nahin ki wahi thook palat ke unke sar pe tapakti hai!” Loosely translated (and a lot will be lost in the translation) I think what he said was, “Those dudes, that spit in the sky, don’t seem to realize, that the same spit, the very same spit, turns around and goes spat on their own heads!” In other words, those dudes who spit etc., just don’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation… there’s a lesson in physics in here somewhere!

So while all potty candidates get rejected by the election commission from standing for elections for whatever reasons (e.g. Drownpool loses his election ticket because a week before the elections, rigor mortis had already set in) poor Katatonik finds that she is the only candidate left… and of course a recently run gallup poll shows that 58% will vote for her cos of her pouting lips, 28% will vote for her Canadian accent in her hindi speeches, 2% will vote for her acting talent, and the rest will not have seen the moowhee.

Of course, this spoofy review wouldn’t be complete without a mention of the stars amongst the caste that shone… firstly, Runtbeer was outstanding as the young Michael Corleone in the Godfather… er… sorry, wrong moowhee… both he and Drownpool get full marks for looking prettier than Katatonik… Manhuge had his hands akimbo throughout the moowhee except when he let his hands fall on his sides, and that makes for great acting… Gravedmb was in his element as the backward-class kabaddi champ, his most intelligent dialogue being, “kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi….”, Pottykar was excellent as Runtbeer’s Maama, with his all-knowing, benevolent and sinister smile, but for the life of me I can’t recollect any intelligent dialogue there… hopefully the dialogue-writer is also in advanced rigor…

All-in-all, Rajnutty is a well made moowhee and all yu serious cineastes out there should take time off and watch this one.

Rating : OK, I give it a 6 on 10, but dudes, please don’t spit in the sky!