My Review of the movie..."HELLNo"

Cast : Shyman Juicy, Sohell Cant (act), Drool Partnag, Ishall Koppicat, Armpita A-dodo, Salamander Cant (act either), Katatonic Kaif, Shredded Sexyna, Da-lip Tightheel

Story : Ok, so here's the Sorry... er... story... the movie is loosely based on the book by Cheatin Braggart who loosely graduated from the IITs (Indian Institute of Tellin stories) and loosely wrote the book titled, "One night that was offcenter" or was it "One night with the gall bladder"...? but never mind... the movie opens with that guy with the 6-specks... whatsisname... oh ya... Salamander Cant, who starts singing a song barechested and yu wonder how Cheatin Braggart incorporated the music, lyrics, dance troupe et al (who's Al?!) in his book?!

Well, anyway after the song ends and he is waiting to get off on his chopper... or was he waitin to chop it off on his getter..., confusing... but anyway, along comes Katatonic Kaif loosely dressed in some kind of dress, all made up and lookin good and starts tellin this 6-specks about 6 employees in an off-center... and the story, mind yu, is supposed to be about only one rainy night in their lives,,, mind yu, one rainy night only, but yu know how bollywood maths works... one rainy night means at least 37 flashbacks for each of the 6 employees which could go back at least 4 years in each case... so kitna rainy nights hua?!

So, ok, yu have an awkward Shyman Juicy who has the hots for Drool Partnag, Sohell Cant (act), who has the hots for that Koppicat chick, and Shredded Sexyna playing some elderly dumbo called Military Uncle, who has the hots for his grandson... talk about weird!!

So hey... what's the big deal... the sorry...er story takes yu through their lives (made me think "Thank God this offcenter has only 6 employees, imagine what would have happened if there were 5000 employees like in a normal Offcenter, before the financial crash, that is... Cheating Braggart would have loosely called his loosely written book "One thousand and elevinty-eleven nights that were offcenter"), and here i am tryin to cut a short story long...

But methinks we digress... ok... first there is Prebonka (played with cute dimples by Drool Partnag) who has a mom who breakdances a hare-krishna jig at the drop of a hat and wants her dotter to marry some NRI (non-resident idiot) based in the US of A (where else) and this nri is so enamoured with Prebonka that when she ditches him for Shyman Juicy that guy goes off and threatens to marry her photograph... say what?!

Next is Echcha (played in v short skirt by Ishall Koppicat) who is just dying to be a model and is willing to do anything to "make it"... yeah and I mean "anything" yu perverts! But her ambitions come to naught when she gets ditched by her Oddfather who throws her, literally, on the streets! What a rainy night this has been!

And finally yu have Reddycar (played with puffy cheeks by Armpita A-dodo in salwar kameez) who is haunted by an evil ma-in-law, just like in one of those sauce-bahu serials, which thank god i have never watched, who has been undergoing severe depression because she probably realised that firstly she cant act and secondly she has some inane dialogues for her part thruout the movie.

And to top it all, i.e. to keep up the pretense that this is supposed to be an offcenter, yu have silly scenes where our 6 employees are speaking to some stupid americans in their stupid amrikan accents, and the conversation goes something like this... (and please remember to read this in a stupid american accent, ok?) :

(a) Stupid american on call with Prebonka, "Hi there, I seem to be stuck in my vacuum cleaner, can yu help me?"
Prebonka : " Sure sir, just try switching off the power!"

(b) Stupid american on call with Echcha, "Hi there, my ear seems to be stuck in my cellfone, can yu help me?"
Echcha : " Sure sir, just try switching off the power!"

(c) Stupid american on call with Reddycar, "Hi there, can i wash my underclothes in the dishwasher?"
Reddycar : " Surely not maam, but yu could try washing the dishes in yr clotheswasher!" My God don't these americans undystand anything?!

(d) Stupid american on call with Shyman, "Hi there, my husband has a problem"
Shyman "Try the dishwasher"

(e) Stupid american on call with Military Uncle, "Hi there, what kind of stupid name is 'Military Uncle?!'
Military Uncle : 'Hehehe... I know where yr grandson lives!'

(f) Stupid american on call with Sohell Cant (act), "Hi there, I seem to have a problem with my clothes washer... she refuses to wash my clothes!'
Sohell : "Mebbe yu should get out of yr clothes first sir!"

And the above was the INTELLIGENT dialogue in the movie!

So... where were we... oh ya... so that ONE night, the 6 of them go to a bar and get a little high and have a horrendous accident... and suddenly get a call on their cell fone from... yu'll never guess... God Himself!

And God tells them as follows: Hark my children these are my ten commandments:
(i) Thou shalt act
(ii) Thou shalt learn HOW to Act
(iii) Thou shalt have pity on the poor audiences
(iv) Thou shalt be able to distinguish intelligent from dumb
(v) Thou shalt stop mistaking the masses for asses
(vi) Thou shalt realise that only six-specks and low-necks dont a good movie maketh... tho if yu show those I have no probs
(vii) Thou hath broken the firtht thikth commandmenth in thith movie itthelf
(viii) Thou shalt recognise the difference between acting and OVER-acting
(ix) Thou shalt recognise the difference between good dialogue and blah
(x) Thou shalt recognise a good book when yu see one

And so finally this one long rainy night which lasted for over 4 years what with flashbacks and all, comes to an end and everyone lives happilly ever after....

Rating : One proton

Ok...Ok... before yu ask me how the movie REALLY was... let me tell yu... i SAT thru it and that means SOMETHING... actually it wasn't AS BAD AS i expected it to be, so many of yu wd probably like the movie... so even if it sounds like i am knocking it, go give it a looksee...

If yu want to know why i gave it a ONE Proton rating, its cos i felt it did not deserve any more protons! What yu'll do?!

Review of the bollywood movie... Kidnappy

Cast : Stunjay Dirt, Dimran Corn, Vidya Malady, Manyeccha Lambda

Ok... so here's the story... this little kid from an orphanage "steals" a car belonging to a rich businessman to take a friend of his to a hospital...

his friend just fell down from a ladder and ankle bleeds with ketchup! So the rich bman has him sent to a remand home where the kid is naturally ill treated...

so the kid grows up and so does the bman (horizontally), his daughter (vertically and horizontally), but not his wife... she looks the same over a period of 20 yrs or so ...

and this kid kidnaps the bman's daughter... and takes her for a swim in the sea, under a waterfall, where she sings a song which goes... "glub... glub..." cos the camera was photographing her from under the water... while her dad plays cat and mouse games with this kid who is all groan up who kidnapped the dotter!

so finally after much hoohah, the fat father finally gets the dotter and apologises to the kid who did the kidnapping... apologises to da wife for giving her a tough time thruout da movie... apologises to his dotter for whatever... then everyone apologises to each other for the bad acting, ridiculous dialogues, pathetic settings and an over-the top story!

and then the kid napper apologises to the bman for kid-nappying the dotter... apologises to the dotter for doing the kid-nappying... and thru all this madness i wonder what crime have i committed that i am sitting and watching this so-called movie, and when are the producer, director, actors going to apologise to me for this mishmash!? But thank God for happy endings... the movie ended and i was happy!

Rating : 2500 stars... thats the approx number of stars i saw till i went brain-dead somewhere in the first quarter of the movie.