Machchardaani

At the very outset let me say that the movie wasn’t too bad, Purani Mukherjee looked lovely without make-up, totally underplayed, except the times when she gives bhaashans, or when she’s spewing Hindi cuss words, and there’re plenty of THOSE in the movie.

So here we have a Lady Singhdumb, very righteous, very tough, rolling up her sleeves and dealing with hoodlums in a very slap-happy way, mainly she gets very happy when she slaps the shit out of those hoodlums (lums with hoods, remember? Hmm? Hmm?), and with each slap the poor, concussed hoodlum is informed the section number of the Penal Code that’s being slapped on him.

Ok, now for the story line... Imagine my surprise when the movie credits informed us that the story was actually WRITTEN by someone! Kya baat! I always thought that Bollywood stories were made up along the way by cameramen and clapper boys with the local chaiwallah throwing in his two bits! Actually!

Where was I... hahn... story... Purani Mukherjee is a cop named Shiverani, with a sidey husband, like in most normal marriages,  some irritating kid who stays with her and in between doing a couple of push-ups, lifting 2-pound weights with one rep of five, three pull-ups, toe touching twice, she is a home-maker and a jaw breaker (remember those hoodlums? Hmm? Hmm?). There’s also another irritating kid called Pyaawhee (name changed to hide her irritating identity) who is kidnapped by a gang of child traffickers and that’s when Shiverani, the tough Lady Singhdumb, the jaw breaker (remember? Hmm? Hmm?) goes berserk (in fact I very nearly expected her to scream “Aata majhi satakli!”) but she NEVER overacts! Wah! Imagine Bollywood without “actors” OVERACTING!! Kya baat!

And of course, you realise that the theme of this movie has been TAKEN from a Hollywood movie, and if you can’t guess which movie I’m talking about, you have a great chance of being TAKEN by a Bollywood producer to write stories for future productions, and if you still can’t guess, you will be TAKEN 2 task!

Man, this review is still going nowhere with the STORY! Ok, let’s not digress... suffice it to say that Shiverani, the slap-happy jaw breaker and home-maker, cracks the case (haha sorry to reveal the ending, as if you would have guessed, haha), besides cracking the villain’s skull and other assorted bones, (haha, sorry I revealed THAT too), breaking up the child trafficking gang and setting the young kidnapped girls free. Whee!

So, how many stars does this movie deserve? And, should YOU watch the movie? Well, those certainly are deep and imponderable philosophical questions.

Singhdumb Returns!

Here’s one more brainless sequel regurgitated by Roheat Shitty which is no match for the original moowhee, Singhdumb. So, let’s take a closer look at this moowhee and ponder over a deep and philosophical question: Why did Singhdumb Return? Couldn’t he just have stayed home? Hmm? Hmm?
Well, since he didn’t, here goes...

Now, this Bhajipao Singhdumb, played so muscularly by Ajay Gravedumb, is one helluva cop, merciless, wooden, angry and scowling... he can beat up anyone and everyone and shows you just how, by slapping poor defenseles students early on in the story. Just so you know! Talk about police brutality! And he can spew out brilliant, original dialogues like, “Atta majhi satakli!” Atta boy, Bhajipao, that’s so creative! Wonder who the dialogue writer was... Ohhh it was Roheat Shitty! Kya baat!

So the sorry, er, story goes that in Mumbai there is an x-crore population and only ‘y’ policemen protecting the junta, (where y is a small three-digit number), and they are all acting in this movie. There is an honest somebody played by Anupbum Kher, a host of corrupt politicians (notice the redundancy there?), a Baba who is a blacksheep (Baba Black Sheep), a 5-foot wide cop called Daya, the one who breaks down doors, and a motley crew of news anchors, sideys, and gangsters who are going to get the shit beat out of them. Wonder who the story writer was... Ohhh it was Roheat Shitty! Kya baat!

Now for some action... Somwhere near Chinchpokli station, a convoy of police jeeps is driving to somewhere and Bhajipao Singhdumb notices vans with hoodlums (lums with hoods) standing near them and suddenly all hell breaks lose! The hoodlums (lums with hoods) start firing machine guns, semi automatics, AK47’s while the cops go about firing pistols and other hand guns. A survey after the mayhem showed that 7,57,928 bullets were fired by the hoodlums (lums with hoods), approx 279 were fired by the cops, 467 hoodlums (lums with hoods) were killed and not one cop was injured or lost a body part. Kya action sequence tha. Who was the action director, I wondered... Wait for it... it was Roheat Shitty! Kya baat!

And so we have this Baba, black sheep, who dupes his followers in his ashram and in typical holy-man style cajoles them into divesting themselves of all their money and valuables, and I ponder over this deep and philosophical question: How can people be so stupid that they would give their valuables and family jewels to this Baba, black sheep? Hmm? Hmm? And then realisation dawns, even I was stupid enough to shell out some moolah (and NOTHING else, in case you are wondering) to watch this one!

Physics lessons anyone? Plenty of those in the action sequences, defying physics as we know it. Learn about forces, linear momentum, angular momentum, displacements, all this from the thappads and punches that our hero dishes out at the drop of a hat or a bribe. Who invented the laws of Physics in this one... Roheat Shitty?!

But, but, what about the female lead? Aaah, Kareena, the heroine, wondering what she’s doing in this movie, with no chemistry, biology or physics between her and Gravedumb... just to be on the Saif side, I guess.

And that, in a nutshell is my review of Singhdumb Returns.

Should you watch it?
Sure, go ahead, it’s a fun movie, in parts where there is no dialogue and only action.
How many stars do I award this one?
As many stars as the villains saw when they were getting “beaten” up by singhdumb!

Spoofy Review of the Bollywood movie : Raavan

Movie Name : Baaah-one

Cast : Abhidekh Bachpana, Yikeswarrior Crai, Weakdumb, Duhvinda, et al (wdh is Al??!!)

Director : Money Rottenh’m

Music and Lyrics : A.R. Rehenedoman, Gulsore

Script and dialogue-writer : Absent

Story : OK, now calling this a story is like adding insult to injury… as it is, this is one more moowhee which insults your intelligence so badly that your head will be reeling from start to finish! And to think that my readers have an average IQ of approx 27, I found that the moowhee had not even risen to that level!

So, what’s the story? I was told that it was inspired by the epic Ramayana! The only resemblance the moowhee had with the epic was that it kept going on and on till one felt that banwaas cannot be equated with bakwaas…

But, hey… let’s be fair to the players in this epic, er… pic… poor Abhidhek was a total misfit in the role of a tribal outlaw… Yikeswarrior was a scream throughout… Weakdumb’s role was just that… weak ‘n dumb… and Duhvinda made a total monkey out of himself by trying to ape Lord Hanuman… tsk, tsk, Rottenh’m… yeh kya kiya?

Action, anyone… yes, there was some action, most of it picturised so amateurishly, and just so that yu realized there was something exciting supposed to be happening on screen, Rehenedoman’s orchestra would suddenly start beating the bass drums, and blowing trumpets and trombones with such gusto that yu were left looking for action and excitement, and all yu got was Rehenedoman’s orchestra beating the bass drums, and blowing trumpets and trombones with such gusto!

Edge-of-the-seat moments…? Yes, yes, I had about seven of them… yes… seven times I found myself at the edge of the seat with such excitement… mainly because each time I thought the moowhee was about to end, but then, life should be so easy…..

Dialogues, anyone? Hanh… yes… dialogues (and you have to be warned… the following dialogues are being SCREAMED and HISSED by the protagonists so remember to SCREAM and HISS them) :

Like this one between Abhidekh and Yikeswarrior :
Abhidekh : AAAAARghhhh!
Yikeswarrior : EEEEEeeegh!

Or this one between Weakdumb and Abhidekh :
Weakdumb : BEEEEERA!
Abhidhek : CHIK, CHIK, CHIK, CHIK!

And this one between Abhi and Yikes :
Abhi : CHIK, CHIK, CHIK, CHIK!
Yikes : Kya bolta hai CHIK, CHIK, CHIK, CHIK! You mean hot CHIK, hot CHIK, hot CHIK, hot CHIK!

Or this total pearl of a dialogue between Yikes and a cop who has been buried neck-deep in rock and mud and slime for so long that he is obviously brain dead (or maybe he was brain dead because they made him watch the preview of this moowhee) :
Yikes to the brain dead cop : EEEEeeeaaaagh! Yeh kya hua? Tum theek tho ho?
Brain dead cop to Yikes : Say, what??!!

So now, you might wanna know… was there NOTHING in the pic worth writing home about… huh… nothing… no, no, no, even tho’ I would love to say that there was really nothing, I have to admit that the photography was superlative in parts, truly brilliant. But if you want to watch this one, don’t say you haven’t been warned.

Rating : Epic fail

Spoofy Review of : Raajnutty

Caste : Nana Pottykar, Runtbeer Kapoop, Katatonik Waif, Ajay Gravedmb, Manhuge Bargeparty, Arjun Drownpool, et al (wdh is AL?!?!)

Story : Ok, so here’s a political potty-boiler, classified as an “intelligent” moowhee by some moowhee critics, and since the average IQ of my readers is approx 27, I shall not involve you with the convoluted plot, mainly because I myself didn’t understand what was really going on.

Here is what I think happened… beta Runtbeer returns from foreign to his native city and is immediately accosted by love-lorn Katatonik, but poor beta loves Sharin, his gf from foreign, and Katatonik doesn’t like sharin’, but poor beta is now an unwitting character in political pottyboiler, what with continuous blood-shed and mayhem going on all over the place, so he convinces Katatonik to get married to his bro (played by Arjun Drownpool) who is keen to become cheap minister of the state in which he is native. Say, what??!!

Anyway, Katatonik spends nights in her bedroom whereas her hubby (played by Arjun Drownpool) who is the bro of Runtbeer, whom Katatonik doesn’t love cos she loves Runtbeer, not the bro, er… where was I… hanh… she sleeps in her bedroom while her hubby sleeps on the sofa cos hubby knows that Katatonik doesn’t love him (Drownpool) but she loves Runtbeer who is the bro of Drownpool. I told yu this was going to get convoluted!

So, while people were getting killed, cars were blowing up, the plot was thickening, and I was looking out for some “intelligent” dialogue, I came across a real gem… here’s Manhuge Bargeparty, in all his glory, hands akimbo (in fact nearly throughout the moowhee his hands were akimbo), making a speech in one of the numerous election rallies sprinkled helter skelter, here’s Manhuge, saying, and this one’s a real gem, “Jo log aasman mein thookte hain, jaante nahin ki wahi thook palat ke unke sar pe tapakti hai!” Loosely translated (and a lot will be lost in the translation) I think what he said was, “Those dudes, that spit in the sky, don’t seem to realize, that the same spit, the very same spit, turns around and goes spat on their own heads!” In other words, those dudes who spit etc., just don’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation… there’s a lesson in physics in here somewhere!

So while all potty candidates get rejected by the election commission from standing for elections for whatever reasons (e.g. Drownpool loses his election ticket because a week before the elections, rigor mortis had already set in) poor Katatonik finds that she is the only candidate left… and of course a recently run gallup poll shows that 58% will vote for her cos of her pouting lips, 28% will vote for her Canadian accent in her hindi speeches, 2% will vote for her acting talent, and the rest will not have seen the moowhee.

Of course, this spoofy review wouldn’t be complete without a mention of the stars amongst the caste that shone… firstly, Runtbeer was outstanding as the young Michael Corleone in the Godfather… er… sorry, wrong moowhee… both he and Drownpool get full marks for looking prettier than Katatonik… Manhuge had his hands akimbo throughout the moowhee except when he let his hands fall on his sides, and that makes for great acting… Gravedmb was in his element as the backward-class kabaddi champ, his most intelligent dialogue being, “kabaddi, kabaddi, kabaddi….”, Pottykar was excellent as Runtbeer’s Maama, with his all-knowing, benevolent and sinister smile, but for the life of me I can’t recollect any intelligent dialogue there… hopefully the dialogue-writer is also in advanced rigor…

All-in-all, Rajnutty is a well made moowhee and all yu serious cineastes out there should take time off and watch this one.

Rating : OK, I give it a 6 on 10, but dudes, please don’t spit in the sky!

The Ballad of Quick Pun Muruggan... yu can't spoof a spoof aiyee sayee!

The Ballad of Quick Pun Muruggan (Please recite this with total tamil agscent-a)

Haiee... ! Mai naime ees Qeek Gun Muruggan i saiy... mined eet!
If yu're looking for humour een maiee moovhee, in many scenes yu may fined eet!
In some parts, aiee weel scoop out littul of yar braine and grind eet!
Mai naime ees Quik Gun Muruggan i saiy... mined eet!

I sayee yeggain, mai naime ees Queek Gun Muruggan, aaiee yam south indiyan coubwuoy... mined eet!
I let yeverywunn live in peace-a, i woodunt mined a little piece maiself-a for a twirl...
I got good chanzes with that bouncy babe-a Mango Dolly, eggcept for mai love of mai life-a, Locket Gurl
Who, if she beecums suspeeshus, will take an important body part and grind eet!


"The earth is my bed-da... The sky is my ceiling-a... The whole world is my naieeteeve plaice!"
I laou my vegetarian dosa and mai punjabi samosa but aiee hate aall animal killurs and eaters
Like this villyainous Gunpowder-a, whom i will grind into chowder-a
Cos he vants to convert aall veggie licker bars into non-veggie wuns... yana rascal-a!


"If you are lightning, I am 250 volt current..."
That is what aaie yam tailling yeggain and yeggain to some villyain
This one his name is MBA Rowdy, he kidnaps all Mummies, and I find that abhorrent
Cos he wants the laou of a Mummy in a dosa recipe, aaie yam tailling yeggain and yeggain he is big villyain!

So aiee pumb him with bullets-a and he spills out his guts-a and dies a painful death
But there is wun more big villyain, a veddy big villyain, i vant to see him take his last breath
When I think of him-a, getting jolly... with my fantasy gurl Mango Dolly, I get veddy veddy heddy
Ooiee Maa, I hate that villyain, that veddy veddy big villyain, who goes by the name of Rice Plate Reddy!

That villyain killed my loving Anna and kidnapped my Anni, all for laou of McDosa
He even killed mee laang ago, with a bullet in my heart-a, have yu seen anything mo' grosse-a?
But by graice aaf Gaad and creativity aaf scriptwriter aaiee yam yalive yeggain, kuch nahin bhula
To get maiee revenge-a on that heddy villyain-a and all those dabba-wallahs-a who wanted to do maiee dabba gul-a!

Yand finally-a, i reload my six-guns-a, yand with littul help from my fantasy gurl-a the jolly Dolly
The wun with that great ches... errr... yattityude, she has earned maiee yeverlasting grattityude
We go fourth to get Reddy, that veddy veddy big villyain Rice Plate Reddy.. the wun with the McDosa
Yand i pumb him with bullets, till i run out of bullets and wished i had some mo' sar!

Yand thus yends a tale, a veddy spoofy tale, of the lovable Quick Gun Murugan...
Yand yu cant spoof a spoof, cos a spoof is a spoof, which even that spoofy critic Lala knows,
So come watch me in the moovhee, quite a funny moovhee, lots of humour an' silly wit if yu can fined eet,
Ask Lala, if yu dont believe me, cos i saw him grinning like an idiot throughout my moovhee,
And all yu rascal-a villyains out there had better mined eet!

My Spoofy Review of the Bollywood Movie : 8X10 ’TisWeak

Movie Name : 8X10 Tasveer

Downcast… er… Cast : Ackthoo Cuckoomaar, Aila Takloo, JaWed Jalfraizi, Sharmilee Ta-gory, Bhejafry Girgayani, Giglish KarMad, AnAnt Mahagrave-n-dumb, et al (who da heck is Al?!)

Director, sorry-writer : Nagesh Cuckoo’snest

Tall Storey : Here’s one more from good ol’ Bollywood that certainly insults your intelligence.. or what’s left of it!

The moowhee starts with tough-guy hero Jai Putrid (played by Ackthoo) convincing all and sundry how he can’t bear bear hunters who set up bear traps to catch bears (what else can yu catch with bear traps yu morons?!) Jai Putrid can jump from great heights into pools and lakes, stay under water for 4 minutes and come out smiling, holding a bear trap in one hand and a soggy script in the other! Can yu bear this…!? Barely…!

But, wait! Putrid also has uncanny powers…he can stare at a photograph and within 60 seconds, can look into the future of the persons whose photograph he’s been looking at for 60 seconds! Can yu believe that…?! Barely…..! But, wait… when he regains consciousness, he is in such a state that he has to be hospitalized… just like many of us in the audience! But wait… I realized even I have this uncanny power… having looked at all these bollywood pictures, even I can see the future… and it’s bleak!

So, where’s the story?! Oops… forgot… here it is… so we are told that poor Putrid gained this power when he was a kid, and I kid you not, after having lost some people who were very precious to him… like the script-writer, producer, director, a good female lead, et Al (who da heck is Al?!). After recovering from this shock, he realizes that he possesses these powers when he looks at all those dirty pictures in all those perverted magazines! And good boy that he is, he uses the power to help poor damsels whose husbands have got lost in the woods, by making sure that the husbands stay lost so that he can really help those damsels!

But wait! The story takes a twist when he finds that his daddy is mothered… er, murdered on this gorgeous yacht and he keeps staring at his dad’s picture to find the culprit and within 60 seconds, thirds, fourths and fifths, by the end of the moowhee, he solves the mystery… the longest 60 seconds I have ever lived!

It would be really cruel of me to reveal the ending and that’s the reason I’m going to reveal the end… in the end… in the end… in the end…(isn’t the suspense killing?!) in the end… the movie ends!

But wait…! This here review wouldn’t be complete without recalling some of the more memorable scenes and dialogues in the moowhee… like…. like… like… er…

Rating : Sorry folks, this spoofy critic has just realized why the moowhee has the title 8X10… ’Tis the dimensions of the padded cell in which he has been locked up. Last heard, he was found yelling, “What happened to my long tum mammary loze?!” Get the picture?!

My Spoofy Review of the Bollywood Movie : Grudge-ni

Review of the movie : Ghajni

Downcast… er… Cast : Almirah Corn, introducing south indian belly… er… belle… Asinine, Heehaw Khan, Parakeet Daawat, Khalipilli Sidhiccupi, et al (who da heck is Al?!)

Director, screenplay, sorry… er… story writer : A.R. Murdaghosht
Music Director : A.R. Rehene-do-man

Story : Here’s a bollywood rehash of the sollywood remash of the wonderful Hollywood thriller “Memento”… the moowhee starts thoughtfully for all us morons out there with a doctor explaining how poor baba Sanjay Singhornier suffers from a short term memory loss syndrome… and in case yu have not understood what this means cos of the hi-tek medical lingo, it only means that he suffers from a memory loss which is short term… so thoughtful of the story writer na… to set the jacket strait? And for those of yu who still can’t grasp what the syndrome means, the helpful doc even pronounces it as “Shoat tum mammary loze”… now if yu cant understand THAT… forget it!

Ok… now there’s no way I can cut this loooong story short but will certainly try…
If my memory serves me correctly, the first half of the moowhee tries extremely hard to introduce this v cute southy lass named Kalapanini, played by vivacious Asinine… and here the moowhee goes overboard in trying to show us that she really n truly is a cutie, with a heart of gold, helpful and considerate and honest! So, hey! What’s wrong if she pulls the wool over everyone’s eyes by claiming that business tycoon Singhornier (whom she has never met before) is her bf and lover? And what’s wrong if Singhornier himself pretends to be what he is not for most of the first half and then forgets who he is in the second?! What’s wrong wid all that?! Well… everything! The script, the story line, the dialogues, the grunts n screams of anger… but more about that later… right now lets concentrate the first half on our cute, sweet as saccharine heroine Asinine… completely asinine!

And then we have the extremely talented Almirah Corn, who gets clobbered by the villain and loses his mammary… er… memory, remember the shoat tum mammary loze we spoke about earlier… remember…. Hunh… hunh…. Forgot kya… well, anyway, poor fella can’t remember what he did 15 mins ago… imagine that… like imagine he goes to the loo, stands in front of the pot and has NO CLUE what to do next… is that embarrassing or what?! So to help himself, he keeps taking Polaroid pictures of all the important things he did and people he met 15 mins ago and it helps him somehow… like in the gents room he sifts thru 15316 pictures and then suddenly realizes what he has to do there! So intelligent na… and what about all those dirty pics he’s downloaded from the net… poor clod… can u imagine how confused he must be?! Can u imagine how confused we were?!

So… now suddenly poor tycoon Singhornier finds himself holding a huge grudge and wanting to take revenge and kill all the villains in the movie, but I won’t tell yu why… but then he remembers the last words some woman uttered in his ear… actually she was his wife-to-be but he doesn’t remember that… he just remembers the words, “Gajjar ka halwa” or that’s what he thought he remembered hearing… actually she whispered, “GHAJINI”! Scary na?!

But hey… who or what the heck is ghajini?! Is it a sweet dish… or mebbe some condiment like dalchini…?! The suspense is killing! But wait… Ghajini is THE VILLAIN in the moowhee… and he happens to be the WORST villain yu will ever see in bollywood films… where did they get him from?! The guy just cant act, speak or emote… was he trying to imitate Lalooji with his accent??!! Pathetic! And if yu think that guy was baaad, wait till yu see his henchmen… I haven’t seen another bunch of jokers in any other bollywood moowhee like these guys!! Where do they get these guys from?!

So now poor Singhornier wants to wreak havoc but can’t remember on whom… I wish he had gone about clobbering the producer, director, scriptwriter and all those in the moowhee who could not act… and there were plenty of THOSE! Like the police inspector in the beginning of the moowhee, the one with the biceps, who had no CLUE about basic acting techniques, the one who seemed to have biceps everywhere, even between his ears! Or young med student Heehaw Khan, looks lithe n supple, but yu wonder how they wove the script around her… what was she doing in the moowhee… her absence would have made NO difference to the storyline… but hey… when was the storyline ever significant in a bollywood moowhee?!

Bechaara Singhornier… but all is not lost… all he has to do is a few push-ups, sit-ups, weight training and lo and behold… a body packed with an 8-pack!! And a punch that packs a wallop! Wham… bam… dhishum… bhishum… Saare Zameen Par!

Arre… hahn… we spoke earlier about all the grunts n screams of anger… remember we spoke of that… hunh…hunh… remember…? Forgot kya… ? Well, those were mine!

But let me not underplay the grunts n screams of anger that talented Almirah Corn grunted or screamed… here are some juicy tidbits from the movie… and don’t forget to grunt and scream with your face totally contorted just like talented Almirah…

Script writer : Almirah Saab, what do yu think of the dialogues in dis moowhee?
Almirah : Aaaargh! Aaaargh!

Villain : Hey Singhornier, how did it feel when I stabbed yu in da belly wid that bar of steel reinforcement?!
Singhornier : If it was sixteen minutes ago then I don’t remember a thing, but if it was in the last 14 mins, then Aaaargh! Aaaargh!

Heehaw Khan (she is the young med student, in case yu guys are suffering from mammary loze) : Hey Singhornier, while running from yu, I started sweating like a pig… yu think I have B.O.?
Singhornier : Aaaargh! Aaaargh!

Heehaw Khan (she is the young med student, in case yu guys are suffering from extremely shoat tum mammary loze) : Hey Singhornier, while chasing those villains on my scooty, yu were riding pillion and yu looked so much taller than I… how did your high-heeled diapers feel?
Singhornier : Aaaargh! Aaaargh!

Kalapanini (played by Asinine, yu shoat tum mammary lozers) : Hey Singhornier, I know yu love me now cos I’m sweet n cute n vivacious n have nice legs, but will yu still love me when I grow old?!
Singhornier : Aaaargh! Aaaargh!

So, now we come to the end of this here review, and before yu ask me the one main important question, “Does she really have nice legs?”, I would strongly recommend that all yu morons out there must watch this one… its an absolute must watch! And if the producer, director, script n dialogue writer makes yu sit thru this one, wouldn’t yu also hold a huge grudge-ni?!

Berating… er… Rating : Sorry, this critic has forgotten to give a rating for this moowhee cos he suddenly suffered froam a loang tum mammary loze!