Machchardaani

At the very outset let me say that the movie wasn’t too bad, Purani Mukherjee looked lovely without make-up, totally underplayed, except the times when she gives bhaashans, or when she’s spewing Hindi cuss words, and there’re plenty of THOSE in the movie.

So here we have a Lady Singhdumb, very righteous, very tough, rolling up her sleeves and dealing with hoodlums in a very slap-happy way, mainly she gets very happy when she slaps the shit out of those hoodlums (lums with hoods, remember? Hmm? Hmm?), and with each slap the poor, concussed hoodlum is informed the section number of the Penal Code that’s being slapped on him.

Ok, now for the story line... Imagine my surprise when the movie credits informed us that the story was actually WRITTEN by someone! Kya baat! I always thought that Bollywood stories were made up along the way by cameramen and clapper boys with the local chaiwallah throwing in his two bits! Actually!

Where was I... hahn... story... Purani Mukherjee is a cop named Shiverani, with a sidey husband, like in most normal marriages,  some irritating kid who stays with her and in between doing a couple of push-ups, lifting 2-pound weights with one rep of five, three pull-ups, toe touching twice, she is a home-maker and a jaw breaker (remember those hoodlums? Hmm? Hmm?). There’s also another irritating kid called Pyaawhee (name changed to hide her irritating identity) who is kidnapped by a gang of child traffickers and that’s when Shiverani, the tough Lady Singhdumb, the jaw breaker (remember? Hmm? Hmm?) goes berserk (in fact I very nearly expected her to scream “Aata majhi satakli!”) but she NEVER overacts! Wah! Imagine Bollywood without “actors” OVERACTING!! Kya baat!

And of course, you realise that the theme of this movie has been TAKEN from a Hollywood movie, and if you can’t guess which movie I’m talking about, you have a great chance of being TAKEN by a Bollywood producer to write stories for future productions, and if you still can’t guess, you will be TAKEN 2 task!

Man, this review is still going nowhere with the STORY! Ok, let’s not digress... suffice it to say that Shiverani, the slap-happy jaw breaker and home-maker, cracks the case (haha sorry to reveal the ending, as if you would have guessed, haha), besides cracking the villain’s skull and other assorted bones, (haha, sorry I revealed THAT too), breaking up the child trafficking gang and setting the young kidnapped girls free. Whee!

So, how many stars does this movie deserve? And, should YOU watch the movie? Well, those certainly are deep and imponderable philosophical questions.

Singhdumb Returns!

Here’s one more brainless sequel regurgitated by Roheat Shitty which is no match for the original moowhee, Singhdumb. So, let’s take a closer look at this moowhee and ponder over a deep and philosophical question: Why did Singhdumb Return? Couldn’t he just have stayed home? Hmm? Hmm?
Well, since he didn’t, here goes...

Now, this Bhajipao Singhdumb, played so muscularly by Ajay Gravedumb, is one helluva cop, merciless, wooden, angry and scowling... he can beat up anyone and everyone and shows you just how, by slapping poor defenseles students early on in the story. Just so you know! Talk about police brutality! And he can spew out brilliant, original dialogues like, “Atta majhi satakli!” Atta boy, Bhajipao, that’s so creative! Wonder who the dialogue writer was... Ohhh it was Roheat Shitty! Kya baat!

So the sorry, er, story goes that in Mumbai there is an x-crore population and only ‘y’ policemen protecting the junta, (where y is a small three-digit number), and they are all acting in this movie. There is an honest somebody played by Anupbum Kher, a host of corrupt politicians (notice the redundancy there?), a Baba who is a blacksheep (Baba Black Sheep), a 5-foot wide cop called Daya, the one who breaks down doors, and a motley crew of news anchors, sideys, and gangsters who are going to get the shit beat out of them. Wonder who the story writer was... Ohhh it was Roheat Shitty! Kya baat!

Now for some action... Somwhere near Chinchpokli station, a convoy of police jeeps is driving to somewhere and Bhajipao Singhdumb notices vans with hoodlums (lums with hoods) standing near them and suddenly all hell breaks lose! The hoodlums (lums with hoods) start firing machine guns, semi automatics, AK47’s while the cops go about firing pistols and other hand guns. A survey after the mayhem showed that 7,57,928 bullets were fired by the hoodlums (lums with hoods), approx 279 were fired by the cops, 467 hoodlums (lums with hoods) were killed and not one cop was injured or lost a body part. Kya action sequence tha. Who was the action director, I wondered... Wait for it... it was Roheat Shitty! Kya baat!

And so we have this Baba, black sheep, who dupes his followers in his ashram and in typical holy-man style cajoles them into divesting themselves of all their money and valuables, and I ponder over this deep and philosophical question: How can people be so stupid that they would give their valuables and family jewels to this Baba, black sheep? Hmm? Hmm? And then realisation dawns, even I was stupid enough to shell out some moolah (and NOTHING else, in case you are wondering) to watch this one!

Physics lessons anyone? Plenty of those in the action sequences, defying physics as we know it. Learn about forces, linear momentum, angular momentum, displacements, all this from the thappads and punches that our hero dishes out at the drop of a hat or a bribe. Who invented the laws of Physics in this one... Roheat Shitty?!

But, but, what about the female lead? Aaah, Kareena, the heroine, wondering what she’s doing in this movie, with no chemistry, biology or physics between her and Gravedumb... just to be on the Saif side, I guess.

And that, in a nutshell is my review of Singhdumb Returns.

Should you watch it?
Sure, go ahead, it’s a fun movie, in parts where there is no dialogue and only action.
How many stars do I award this one?
As many stars as the villains saw when they were getting “beaten” up by singhdumb!