My Spoofy Review of the Bollywood Movie : Grudge-ni

Review of the movie : Ghajni

Downcast… er… Cast : Almirah Corn, introducing south indian belly… er… belle… Asinine, Heehaw Khan, Parakeet Daawat, Khalipilli Sidhiccupi, et al (who da heck is Al?!)

Director, screenplay, sorry… er… story writer : A.R. Murdaghosht
Music Director : A.R. Rehene-do-man

Story : Here’s a bollywood rehash of the sollywood remash of the wonderful Hollywood thriller “Memento”… the moowhee starts thoughtfully for all us morons out there with a doctor explaining how poor baba Sanjay Singhornier suffers from a short term memory loss syndrome… and in case yu have not understood what this means cos of the hi-tek medical lingo, it only means that he suffers from a memory loss which is short term… so thoughtful of the story writer na… to set the jacket strait? And for those of yu who still can’t grasp what the syndrome means, the helpful doc even pronounces it as “Shoat tum mammary loze”… now if yu cant understand THAT… forget it!

Ok… now there’s no way I can cut this loooong story short but will certainly try…
If my memory serves me correctly, the first half of the moowhee tries extremely hard to introduce this v cute southy lass named Kalapanini, played by vivacious Asinine… and here the moowhee goes overboard in trying to show us that she really n truly is a cutie, with a heart of gold, helpful and considerate and honest! So, hey! What’s wrong if she pulls the wool over everyone’s eyes by claiming that business tycoon Singhornier (whom she has never met before) is her bf and lover? And what’s wrong if Singhornier himself pretends to be what he is not for most of the first half and then forgets who he is in the second?! What’s wrong wid all that?! Well… everything! The script, the story line, the dialogues, the grunts n screams of anger… but more about that later… right now lets concentrate the first half on our cute, sweet as saccharine heroine Asinine… completely asinine!

And then we have the extremely talented Almirah Corn, who gets clobbered by the villain and loses his mammary… er… memory, remember the shoat tum mammary loze we spoke about earlier… remember…. Hunh… hunh…. Forgot kya… well, anyway, poor fella can’t remember what he did 15 mins ago… imagine that… like imagine he goes to the loo, stands in front of the pot and has NO CLUE what to do next… is that embarrassing or what?! So to help himself, he keeps taking Polaroid pictures of all the important things he did and people he met 15 mins ago and it helps him somehow… like in the gents room he sifts thru 15316 pictures and then suddenly realizes what he has to do there! So intelligent na… and what about all those dirty pics he’s downloaded from the net… poor clod… can u imagine how confused he must be?! Can u imagine how confused we were?!

So… now suddenly poor tycoon Singhornier finds himself holding a huge grudge and wanting to take revenge and kill all the villains in the movie, but I won’t tell yu why… but then he remembers the last words some woman uttered in his ear… actually she was his wife-to-be but he doesn’t remember that… he just remembers the words, “Gajjar ka halwa” or that’s what he thought he remembered hearing… actually she whispered, “GHAJINI”! Scary na?!

But hey… who or what the heck is ghajini?! Is it a sweet dish… or mebbe some condiment like dalchini…?! The suspense is killing! But wait… Ghajini is THE VILLAIN in the moowhee… and he happens to be the WORST villain yu will ever see in bollywood films… where did they get him from?! The guy just cant act, speak or emote… was he trying to imitate Lalooji with his accent??!! Pathetic! And if yu think that guy was baaad, wait till yu see his henchmen… I haven’t seen another bunch of jokers in any other bollywood moowhee like these guys!! Where do they get these guys from?!

So now poor Singhornier wants to wreak havoc but can’t remember on whom… I wish he had gone about clobbering the producer, director, scriptwriter and all those in the moowhee who could not act… and there were plenty of THOSE! Like the police inspector in the beginning of the moowhee, the one with the biceps, who had no CLUE about basic acting techniques, the one who seemed to have biceps everywhere, even between his ears! Or young med student Heehaw Khan, looks lithe n supple, but yu wonder how they wove the script around her… what was she doing in the moowhee… her absence would have made NO difference to the storyline… but hey… when was the storyline ever significant in a bollywood moowhee?!

Bechaara Singhornier… but all is not lost… all he has to do is a few push-ups, sit-ups, weight training and lo and behold… a body packed with an 8-pack!! And a punch that packs a wallop! Wham… bam… dhishum… bhishum… Saare Zameen Par!

Arre… hahn… we spoke earlier about all the grunts n screams of anger… remember we spoke of that… hunh…hunh… remember…? Forgot kya… ? Well, those were mine!

But let me not underplay the grunts n screams of anger that talented Almirah Corn grunted or screamed… here are some juicy tidbits from the movie… and don’t forget to grunt and scream with your face totally contorted just like talented Almirah…

Script writer : Almirah Saab, what do yu think of the dialogues in dis moowhee?
Almirah : Aaaargh! Aaaargh!

Villain : Hey Singhornier, how did it feel when I stabbed yu in da belly wid that bar of steel reinforcement?!
Singhornier : If it was sixteen minutes ago then I don’t remember a thing, but if it was in the last 14 mins, then Aaaargh! Aaaargh!

Heehaw Khan (she is the young med student, in case yu guys are suffering from mammary loze) : Hey Singhornier, while running from yu, I started sweating like a pig… yu think I have B.O.?
Singhornier : Aaaargh! Aaaargh!

Heehaw Khan (she is the young med student, in case yu guys are suffering from extremely shoat tum mammary loze) : Hey Singhornier, while chasing those villains on my scooty, yu were riding pillion and yu looked so much taller than I… how did your high-heeled diapers feel?
Singhornier : Aaaargh! Aaaargh!

Kalapanini (played by Asinine, yu shoat tum mammary lozers) : Hey Singhornier, I know yu love me now cos I’m sweet n cute n vivacious n have nice legs, but will yu still love me when I grow old?!
Singhornier : Aaaargh! Aaaargh!

So, now we come to the end of this here review, and before yu ask me the one main important question, “Does she really have nice legs?”, I would strongly recommend that all yu morons out there must watch this one… its an absolute must watch! And if the producer, director, script n dialogue writer makes yu sit thru this one, wouldn’t yu also hold a huge grudge-ni?!

Berating… er… Rating : Sorry, this critic has forgotten to give a rating for this moowhee cos he suddenly suffered froam a loang tum mammary loze!